He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
