I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
