How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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