I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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