so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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