she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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