Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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