did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found puke in my bra..
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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