i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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