when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
