I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
