After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
