is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
