I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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