someone get that fucking seahorse.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His hands were made for my vagina.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I touched a dick in church today
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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