if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
