some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The uberlube is also flammable
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
