I faked an abortion last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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