I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito