OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
