i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
