the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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