he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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