First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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