pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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