did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
