I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
