my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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