My nipple is on Facebook.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
