We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
