i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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