he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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