she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
