soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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