i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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