I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
