3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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