I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
