They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
