This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
