It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
