I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
