You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
