I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
