Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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