If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
