I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
