saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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