see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
