you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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