1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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