you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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