On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
