ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
