I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
