you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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