Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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