she takes plan B like it's going out of style
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i think my cat just said my name.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
