When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
