He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
